OK… you didn’t ask for it, so here’s a brief rundown of my super-fabulous, utterly amazing, life-altering and celebrity-stuffed day at the Beverly Hilton during the Golden Globes awards ceremony Sun:
3 pm PT – Arrive at the Beverly Hilton. More security than a third-world dictatorship.
3:30 pm PT – We stake out a table at the lobby bar. I’m then ordered to “guard these chairs” while others explore the hotel and stalk celebrities. I order a cheese plate. It’s surprisingly good.
4:30 pm PT – The announcer over an intercom gently reminds celebrities to move quickly through the red carpet and take their seats in the ballroom.
4:45 pm PT – The reminder becomes a stern warning.
4:55 pm PT – Ultimatums ensue, culminating in a final “you’ll never work in this business again if you don’t get your ass into the ballroom before the opening live shot.” Not the exact quote, but it fits the spirit.
5 pm PT – Doors close as the show begins. I watch it on the monitor in the bar and eat cheese. People plot to steal our chairs. I fight them off with gouda.
5:15 pm PT – The rest of my party returns. I have selfishly consumed all the cheese, but I argue that it’s their own fault. We order more cheese.
5:20 pm PT – It’s now clear that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have exceeded the high bar set by Ricky Gervais. Let’s all move on as a country now.
6 pm PT – Bill Clinton’s on. Hollywood loves him. He’s doing that lip thing again to replicate sincerity. They know he’s doing the lip thing and that it’s kind of fake. But nothing impresses celebrities more than fakeness done well. The standing ovation lasts a long time. Mostly in homage to the lip thing.
7 pm PT – Jodie Foster comes out, confirming what everyone already knew. But just in case someone in Wisconsin didn’t get the memo…
7:30 pm PT – We make our way across the hotel to the HBO after party. We ask a security officer near the HBO Help Desk when we can start lining up. He sneers, which is his job. That’s cool. We hang back.
8 pm PT – Pathetically, we’re among the first in line. But hey, we’re hungry for free food and drinks. And at this point, all we’ve had is cheese. We strike up a conversation with a woman who casts reality shows. She sees no potential in us. A relief.
8:30 pm PT – We load up on buffet items immediately. P. Diddy scans the spread as I pass by. He sizes me up. Nope. I’m no one he needs to talk to. Most creative item on the buffet line: Sushi cones on a stick.
8:50 pm PT — The HBO party now rocks at full force. Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban glide around like Madame Tussauds wax figures on rollers.
9:05 pm PT – Jeff Daniels hangs at “The Newsroom” table as Jane Fonda dispenses pleasantries (and probably aerobics advice) to passers-by. The “Girls” table bumps up against a bank of windows, allowing onlookers from the pool area to gawk as the cast takes turns snapping photos with their two Golden Globes statuettes. Lena Dunham’s back tattoo has its own entourage.
9:40 pm PT – We see our reality casting friend. We’re still not right for the part.
10 pm PT – The pool area remains navigable, but indoors is packed. Female members of our group insist it’s not their fault they keep “accidentally” brushing up against hot male celebrities. After all, it’s just so crowded.
9:45 pm PT – A quick chat with HBO pres/COO Eric Kessler, who I like a lot. And I don’t just say that because he lets me into his parties. Although that’s part of it.
10:15 pm PT – We all snap obligatory photos of us being fabulous and upload them to social media in hopes someone will care.
10:30 pm PT – P. Diddy has a lot of friends here. Just sayin.’
11 pm PT – At this point, we’ve chatted up a couple celebs but have mostly left them alone out of respect for their tipsiness. We continue to circulate.
11:45 pm PT – First, sushi and now… Fudge on a stick!! Very convenient while trolling the room.
12:30 pm PT – After one last drink, it’s onto the shuttle bus and back to the parking garage. We came. We saw. We lurked. Mission accomplished.